19 October 2015

In the good old days, it was easy to spot a speed trap - especially in my part of 'Wiltshire.  First of all PC Mullet always used the same bit of road (one of the few stretches where it was possible to get up a bit of speed). He liked to have somewhere to sit whilst waiting for errant motorists and the stile into Bob Jenkins’ field was just right. It gave him sight of both the start of his ‘measured’ half mile (Bob's hay barn) and the finish (the turning to the village), without giving motorists too much of a sight of himself. 

 He reckoned that if you took less than half a minute to cover that distance, you were definitely speeding, but as he had ‘measured’ his half-mile by pacing it out and as his watch did not have a second hand, this decision was somewhat arbitrary. 

      Mind you, he didn't catch many locals. His habit of propping up his police-issue bicycle against the hedge, in full view, certainly undermined his efforts. On a hot summer's day he was also prone to a bit of snoozing. Still he did catch a few outsiders. They were probably lost and in a hurry, so they often stopped to ask the way, without him having to flag them down and they didn't argue about a ten bob fine, so long as he directed them to the main road.

    Sadly the penalties today are hugely inflated compared to those days and very arbitrary. Mullet, and indeed his father before him, would always listen to a good excuse well-reasoned and act accordingly. Off duty and sitting on his favourite bar-stool in the Plough, he often regaled us with the more far-fetched of these stories - like the van driver who swore to Mullet senior that he had to get to Southampton with a box of binoculars before the Titanic sailed. Well, his dad wasn't going to fall for that was he - who needs binoculars on a ship, there's nothing to see but water? Kept him there for a good hour to teach him a lesson!

I have been cautious lately about speeding along country roads since my friend Charles had his accident. He was trying out a new Bentley and reckoned he was doing over 80, when a tractor pulled out of a field right in front of him. He did the only possible thing and swerved through the hedge, finishing upside down in the field, earth, grass and car bits flying everywhere. As he passed out he heard the tractor driver say to his mate “By golly Bert, we got out of that field just in time!

В ближайшее время