Saturday, 26 December 2015

26 December 2015


This problem of people pinching our mascots is getting extremely serious, and after applying an incredible amount of thought to the matter I have a solution which is guaranteed to amaze with its simplicity.

First of all it is necessary to run two wires from the ignition switch, one to the mascot and one so that it trails on the ground beneath the radiator. This done, all you need to do when you park outside the local hostelry is to leave the car in gear with the handbrake off and just turn the radiator drain tap until a steady drip of coolant issues. Now we can go and have a glass of beer.

Ha! Now observe the thief tiptoeing across the car park, shoes in hand so as not to be heard. He grasps the mascot with ignition wire attached but (we hope) cunningly concealed. He is about to utter a soft oath because he has trodden in a puddle of antifreeze but he never gets the chance because the other wire from the ignition is also communing with the puddle of antifreeze, and by his simple move he has made the ignition circuit.



Now we all know that Rolls-Royces all start on the ignition (ahem!) and the car being in gear it leaps forward, adroitly killing the thief. The thief, being dead, falls backward and so breaks the ignition, causing the engine to stop, and the car rolls to a standstill neatly covering the now defunct mascot pincher. 


All very well you say, but what about the embarrassment of explaining to the local constabulary the presence of a redundant carcass reclining under your car? This is the clever bit. I have observed from recent correspondence that the coolant in the radiator has an acidity of pH2, quite a strong solution we are informed. We now see that our friend is lying in a puddle of pH2 and furthermore extra pH2 is anointing him all the while. Therefore when we make our departure all that is left is a strong smell of hydrogen and ammonia, and the thief’s shoes, with perchance a gold pocket watch as well.

All I need now is an infallible way of persuading our Minister of Transport to try and pinch my mascot.

ROGER LAMBARD

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